Different types of clients you might meet
By Kauser Kanji
You may recall that my article last week was How to Handle Client Meetings and was prompted by a completely awful saleperson coming in to see me. On this occasion, I was the client and she didn't have a clue about how to handle our discussion. She not only forgot my name but neglected to answer my questions and when it came to closing the deal, she stared at me so hard I thought I might spontaneously combust. I managed to break the stare, stopped myself from buying anything and finished the meeting with a polite "thanks for coming". "Goodbye," I thought, "I shall never see you again."
Yesterday I was in another meeting, this time with me as the salesperson and the other guy as the client. He was utterly professional. Our preamble was short, small-talk was kept to a minimum, the state of the weather didn't even come up and before the meeting was half an hour old we had come to an agreement. I left happy in the knowledge that I'd secured the contract but sad because there seemed to be no real rapport between us. I'd done the deal but not sparked up a (hopefully) lasting relationship.
Again my idle musings on the tube on the way back to the office got me to thinking. Is there such a thing as an ideal client? And who are the different types of client that one will always meet? My own personal list is as follows:
1) The Nice One
Always the perfect client, the Nice One is an all-round good egg. Personable and chatty, you get on well, feel like you can talk about what ever you want and there are no time limits to your telephone conversations. You're so comfortable you can swear on the phone and even talk about your sex lives. And when it comes to work itself, things are always, but always, hunky-dory. You swap mutually beneficial nuggets of industry information that you've found, bitch about work colleagues and constantly (but subtly) congratulate each other on the excellent work you're both doing for your respective companies. Before you know it, you're being asked along to the wedding, have been asked to be Godfather of the first child and have made friends for life. Sing hallelujah. It doesn't get any better than this.
Verdict
Keep it going. Sometimes, you may like to leave communicating with the Nice One for a while just so that you can feel superior but when they do call you'll feel relieved and wanted. How can a platonic relationship be this good?!
2) The Unctuous One
Not a million miles away from the Nice One, the Unctuous One takes things too far and acts like you're their best friend. Smoother than a eunuch's nether regions, this salesman / account exec or manager will laugh at all your jokes, make polite chit-chat when you're desperate for the toilet, ask about the aetiology of your name (even if your name is John/Jane) and always always enquire about your recent holiday / the state of your marriage / how the kids are getting on. The Unctuous One's heart may seem to be in the right place but you'll find yourself asking a colleague to get the phone when you see their number flash up on the caller ID. Basically, you can't stand this person and if only the US government had known about the amount of oil they produce the Gulf War might never have happened.
Verdict
Keep it polite. Sod's Law says that the Unctuous Ones are always the people who eventually become the CEOs of major companies. You may need this creep one day. But for the moment, bite your tongue and cross your legs. In this incarnation, the oily geek will be gone soon enough.
3) The Wide Boy
This is no joke. I've changed the name but I once met a guy who whilst shaking my hand introduced himself as "Simon Johnson", winked at me, nodded his head knowingly and then said "CEO". Aghast, my immediate thought was "wanker". This guy was wide. And for those of you suffering from colloquial overload, "wide" can also mean unintelligent, insensitive, materialistic, egotistical, self-important, sexist, uncouth, tasteless or any combination of these things. Above all, for a guy to be wide, he has to be rich and wear badly fitting suits. Wide boys are the types of guys that drive a Porsche and yet wash it themselves (religiously, every Sunday in the driveway of their mock Tudor home) in full view of all their neighbours. Effective as leaders only because they can shout loudly without feeling even vaguely embarrassed, Wide Boys will never take your calls straightaway (their Secretary / PA will answer the phone) and will always try to drive a hard bargain. They may even forsake getting a great deal from you if their pride could be negatively affected but if they find that they do have to cave in, they'll never do it themselves, preferring instead to get one of their minions to do it for them.
Verdict
For me, the Wide Boy is the biggest yuck of all them all but I do know some people that get turned on working with this kind of guy so I guess it's your call. If you can take the shit then good luck otherwise quickly bid adieu and get out of there. Even Porsche's eventually rust. Also, I'm not bitter.
4) The Flirt
Depending on how he does it, The Flirt can either be an incredibly exciting client to work with or an amazing bore. After all, how persistent can one person actually be? Normally The Flirt will start hitting on you the moment you first meet. Watch out for the tell-tale signs: a firm, over-long handshake, dilated pupils and crucially look-out for where they look at you. Analysis of body language tells us that in normal business relationships (without apparent amour), a person will stare at a triangle the three angles of which are located between your eyes and nose. In social situations however where one party fancies the other, their gaze will cover a triangle extending from the eyes and taking in the lips which, of course, are one of the body's big erogenous zones. As if you needed telling, they'll also be scoping your chest, your ass and your legs, will be always trying to give you subtle little touches on your arm and conversationally, they'll be alluding to your beauty, whether you have a partner and what you do in your spare time. And this is just the nice Flirt. The more aggressive Flirt will be even more, er, aggressive.
Verdict
Be careful, there's a fine line between friendly banter and potential sexual harassment. Depending on how you feel about the level of flirting, you'll either choose to ignore it (which may encourage them) or address the issue (which may also encourage them). If the flirt's advances are unwelcome, tell thme this in a non-hostile way. Express how happy you are with your current partner or alternatively, tell them that you've been celibate for years and that your life ambition is to take up orders. Rosary beads are a good ruse.
5) The Sexy One
We all have experience of this one. You're ushered into the client's board room for the first time and find yourself face to face with the sexiest, most good-looking person you've seen all day / week / month / year / ever. A momentary, rushing intake of air and a half-muttered "God damn" later you realise you fancy the pants off them. Subconsciously, your body is going crazy. Blood is rushing to your face, your posture stiffens, your sebaceous and adrenal glands come alive and your heart either shifts up a gear or misses a beat entirely. Outwardly, this time its your pupils that dilate, you're the one that's doing the scoping and, if you're anything like me, you lose the ability to coherently converse, "Hello, my name's Gerfeennneenenneen" being a typical opening line. In these situations my next thought is "Kill me now" and save me from the embarrassment. Over the next few weeks, the Sexy One gets even sexier.
Verdict
Keep it calm and professional and you'll notice that immunity to the Sexy One's charms will develop. You'll still find this person unbearably attractive and still wish that you could ravish them in a dark alley / on the boardroom table / anywhere at all, but in the meantime you'll manage to maintain a good working relationship. Who knows? If the gods are smiling on you, they may even start to fancy you back.
6) The Extrovert
Loud ties, big hair and an even bigger ego, The Extrovert client is quite possibly the most boorish person that you've ever met. They make jokes, they make rhymes, they finish off other people's sentences, they want to be consulted about everything and they can't keep a secret for shit. The Extrovert positively skips or rides on of those (passé) trendy mini-scooters to work and when at the office, they always want to steal whatever passing thunder is available, unable to keep away from any attention, spotlight, praise, meeting or award ceremony. They always talk in really long sentences. If you're pitching to them they always ask the most inane questions and brown-nose their bosses with indefatigable good humour. Think Elaine from Ally McBeal, think Timmy Mallett, think Geri Halliwell and be very, very scared.
Verdict
It is well known that a lot of extroverts are low on self-esteem and need all the validation they can get so the best way to handle The Extrovert is to give them the stage. Big them up, make them feel good about themselves, cajole them and caress their sensibilities. Once they're on your side the deal will definitely be done because their boss will sign the contract just to get The Extrovert to shut up for a minute.
7) The Introvert
Look around the board room when you first get to a meeting with your clients. Everything seems to be in order: you've got everyone's business card and drawn a diagram to remind you of who's who and where they are sitting. But something ain't quite right. You look around the room again and count the business cards and realise in astonishment that someone is sitting in that chair you thought was unoccupied. They've said nothing since you got there and are wearing a suit exactly the same colour as the surrounding wall. You realise that you must have shaken hands with them but have already forgotten what it was like. Yes, that's right, meet The Introvert. Expert at disappearing into the background, The Introvert can remain motionless and quiet for weeks on end and generally has huge eyes the better to see with in the dark where they are permanently sitting. If you do manage to address them, they may manage a thin watery smile and even a chirruped "hello" but that's your lot. If ever you need to get in touch with The Introvert to give them a progress report or to get a decision from them, don't worry, they probably won't come on the phone, their Secretary will do all the communicating for them. And as for asking them out for a drink, forget about it, this is one client that you're never gonna know anything about.
Verdict
You have to concentrate hard around an Introvert and really make an effort to make them feel at ease. Classic sales technique talks about "matching". This means that if your client is very quiet, the best way to make them feel comfortable is to be very quiet too. Speak in hushed, measured tones, don't stress them out by dropping pens, glasses or snide comments and above all, be completely straight down the line for The Introvert often has some major role within the company like Chief Operations Officer. The whole concept of "Mystery Shopping" was invented by an Introvert.
8) The Professional
The client who inspired me to write this article was an utter Professional. As I said earlier, we met for the first time yesterday, small-talk was kept to a minimum (even though he'd just been away on holiday) and we quickly came to an agreement. He wasn't a bad guy and he certainly wasn't an Introvert but it was if somehow he just wanted to cut through all the bluster and the bullshit and get on with things. Why beat around the bush seemed to be his defining sentiment. This was all well and good but I was sad that there was no spark between us. Sometimes salespeople don't just make small-talk for the sake of it but out of a genuine earnestness to get to know the client. Maybe we'll develop a rapport in our later meetings.
Verdict
So you can't expect to hit it off with every client all of the time and if they just want to be a Professional you should respond in kind. Stick to the point of the meeting and get it over and done with. Leave the charm out until next time.
9) The Foreigner
People from different cultures have, of course, different ways of doing things. In Saudi Arabia for example, it's rude not to belch loudly after a meal. In India, heterosexual men can often be seen walking down the street hand in hand with no other meaning but that they're friends. In France, you're supposed to kiss your friend on the cheek three times when you meet. How does this then relate to business meetings? Well, clearly, you have to be in the know. If you're expecting to meet clients from another country then read up on how you're supposed to introduce yourself and find out if there are any other do's and don'ts that you should be aware of. We've all seen those (un)hilarious sequences in films / sitcoms where the Westerner meets the Korean and they can't stop bowing at each other. This can and should be avoided by doing a little research.
Verdict
Know your stuff. Don't make jokes about wars, food, current or past leaders or the National obsession with Cliff Richard. Be polite and genial, and you will no doubt be a resounding success.