Investigative Reporter Breaks Own Resignation Story

Dear R,

I Resign! I've written my last ever exclusive for this worthless rag, and you've stolen your last story from me.

My first story - "Stallone Paparazzi KO" - was a bit of a shock. Not only did he hit me pretty hard (it took months before I got the cast off my chin) but I was surprised to find that you had taken the credit for the whole story . including the injuries. I was more surprised that the judge awarded you the million-dollar payout in the civil suit that followed. Your fake bruises were very convincing but by no stretch of the imagination are you a woman!

You were a lucky sonofabitch when you stole the "Hilary Clinton Drug Romp" scoop from me. How could nobody have noticed that you were at the Tabloid Editors Annual Dinner Gala giving the "Best Obituary" award that night?

There have been countless others, but now I've had enough. Obviously you hadn't read past paragraph three of "Prince William Love-Child Shock" when you decided it was a story worth putting your name against. I went through six minor Lords, a dozen bodyguards, nine months of pregnancy and a 32-hour labour for that story . and Wills had nothing to do with it! Well, you can keep it. You can keep the baby too - I've Fedexed him to your house. Enclosed is the birth certificate. To save time for you I've left the mother's name blank!

Yours,