Nobody Left to Sleep With for Dishwasher from Manchester

Dear Kristen

This is a quick note to let you know that it is with regret that I tender my resignation from . We have known each other for 3 years now so I feel I should be honest with you about everything.

Some damaging allegations are about to be made against me although this is nothing to do with the missing scouring pads or the hair on my shoulders. These rumours do not denigrate the professionalism I show in my work or reflect the standard of my washing up. They do however, undermine my overall (not apron) standing within this organisation. I suppose this letter is one of confession.

First, I confess that I am a serial philanderer. I can't help it. I love flirting with people, love seeing the signs of amorousness aroused, love seeing pupils dilating, lips pouting, smiles forming, handcuffs coming out and the sound of videotapes rewinding. Seeing a persons tongue hanging out when I walk past is also gratifying.

It is with a mixture of pride and shame that I confess that I have slept with everyone at . It all started on my first day in your employ with Estelle, the new waitress who joined at the same time as me. She managed only 3 days because she was always too tired the poor girl. John the Fish waiter was next - great shag but boy, did he reek. After a number of other encounters with more of the waiting staff, I moved on to the kitchen, most memorably, doing it with Thomas in the oven (he wore his Ray Bans) and with Jess in the walk-in fridge (as you may remember she developed pneumonia and had to call it a day). I had a lot of fun with the other washer-uppers as well (water is so erotic) and we often finished off the day with a quick gang spin in the dishwasher used for pots and other utensils.

Over time, I gradually developed a taste for the finer things in life and moved on to our Maitre D, Robert, who fit me in when business was quiet one day. Robert and I were disgustingly happy for eight months and I'd like to think that we managed to christen every table on the first floor and most of the ones on the second too. However, our late-night rompings finally came to an end one day when Mr M. found us tucked away behind the fountain on the east-side. I urged him, begged him not to fire me and finally managed to make him see sense, that is, he sensed that he could manage me on most days before breakfast (his relationship with his wife was in terminal free-fall).

I promptly dumped Robert and set to with the Boss. He is so charming and such a gentleman. He took me out for breakfast and later, dinner, so many times and never let me pay for anything. We took trips to Italy to shop at Gucci and to New York to see Broadway shows (such plush seats, perfect for pre-show entertainment). We had dinner parties and talked about the Arts, Culture and philosophy. I have been known to have some pretty profound thoughts myself from time to time although mine invariably involve a Spanish air stewardess and a hammock. Things went swimmingly. I even met the President of Rough'n'Ready (I've changed the name but its just as inspiring) Condoms who gave me the honour of demonstrating his new line (they come with extra gonad support) and asked me whether I wanted to feature in their latest ad campaign.

And so, finally, we come to the present. Mr M and I had been fighting a lot, mainly about small things (he has a complex but I never complained) and about how I was always too busy to see him (you'll notice I never took any time off work in 3 years). Things came to a head (don't read anything into that) and he asked me to marry him. As flattered as I was, I had to refuse: he wanted too much of me.

As you can imagine, Mr M. got terribly upset and then he became angry and irrational. He said that he was going to tell all the staff that I had been screwing the customers which, as you know, is strictly against the restaurant's Mission Statement (paragraph 3.2 "I will not screw the restaurant's customers"). This is a complete lie and I am shaken that he could try and slander my reputation in this way.

It is for these reasons, I feel I must go and save myself the embarrassment of facing up to these accusations. There are many other restaurants out there and I dare say many more fish in the sea.

I wish you all the best.

PS I am considering taking up the offer from Rough'n'Ready condoms but I feel I need a bit more practice. Any suggestions?