Dung-Conjuring Assistant Runner from London is Misunderstood

Dear Cherie,

I fear a terrible truth is about to out, but I'd rather you heard it from me first. I am the Phantom Logger of Goods In. It is time to build a new life, a whole new identity for myself, perhaps in a light industrial town in the East Midlands. My days as a stealth shite-r are over.

It only remains for me to apologise for the hitherto unexplained outbreak of cable-laying, dumping, dirt-birthing and fouling that has beset this office. The steaming deposits that have pockmarked the department are all my doings. There'll be no need to call in the Environmental Health people. Let me assure you that this was no dirty protest nor the work of some species of dung-conjuring poltergeist.

My behaviour is an honest and all-too-human expression of my most inner self, but I concede it is difficult for many people to understand.

To many, I'm just a dirty bastard and it is with these sentiments in mind that I must take my leave.

One last thing, I am definitely NOT responsible for those curious stains on the curtains.