Chief De-Beaker from Carlisle Seeks New Billing

Dear Sir

After much thought and no small amount of soul-searching, I have come to the conclusion that I must resign forthwith. It's not that I'm unhappy with my role as Chief De-beaker at but I feel that recently my role has outgrown my capacity to ignore the plight of these poor penguins.

I remember as a child watching, captivated for hours, the penguins at Bob Snarts Family Circus, Maidstone. Spellbound by their unfettered enthusiasm and dogged determination as the big cannon fired them into the safety net time after time, it struck me that I would one day work with these beautiful yet durable creatures.

Of course, when I heard of a vacancy at I jumped at the opportunity to fulfil my dream. I suppose I should have expected something by the fact that you are a food company, but it never occurred to me that penguins would suffer by my own hand.

It's bad enough that the public has been hoodwinked to the extent that they actually believe that McRon's Chicken Fryer is made from real chickens. Bad enough again that 90% of the British public have unwittingly eaten penguin at one time or another. But for me to assist in the cover up of such lies is no longer tolerable. No longer can I look myself in the mirror content in the knowledge that I hold the coveted "De-beaker of the Year" trophy, with over 9,000 'guins snagged in my two-month reign.

So here it ends. My story goes public and you go bankrupt. I can only hope that my example will be a "beakon" to fellow workers in this filthy industry to expose and denounce these murderous practices.

Having said that, I would stay for another £20 a week.

Yours