Warehouse worker racks his brains for animal ephemera

Dear Moronic Corporate Disaster,

I am very happy to announce that as of this moment, I resign.

It may interest you to know that soon I shall be earning twice your salary in a new field: I shall be involved in the flinging of porcupines between ocean going cargo ships and the shore. We plan to attach messages to the backs of these porcupines and in some cases, to write directly on them. We hope that some day this new form of communication, we call it the Porcupine-Mail-Service or PMS, will really take off. Perhaps one day in the not-so-distant future will also use it as a method of communication. I must stress, that as of this moment, we have not hurt any porcupines. They appear to enjoy it. Possibly because we pay the porcupines much more than you paid me. It may also interest you to know, we also pay the parasitic species of louse that has only ever caused problems for their porcupine hosts more than you paid me.

Should this endeavour fail, I plan to become either a highwayman or a pirate. Even a highly unsuccessful criminal of this nature is bound to make more than you paid me, and the work will be a lot less sweaty, annoying and pointless. If you are traveling by carriage or sailing-ship one day, wave me down; I am sure I would simply love to catch up with you.

On the off chance that this also fails, I have been offered the job of donning a realistic monkey suit and working for peanuts - I know you'll be saying, "but we already pay you peanuts - and you don't have to wear a monkey suit!" Yes, you do indeed pay me peanuts and I don't have to wear a monkey suit. But our peanuts are of a much higher quality and the monkey suit is far less degrading than uniform. As a side note, the dominant male of the group is much more intelligent than yourself and is considerably more pleasant and humane.

As another side note, if you are interested in purchasing any donkeys, you're in luck. I have been breeding them recently for the sole purpose of familiarising myself with their stubborn, asinine faces. I had long taken it upon myself to mentally transpose a donkey face over your own during our conversations. When I did this, the clouds cleared and you appeared more credible. I have also taken to translating the inane garbage you spout into Donklyish, the language of the donkey (specifically the Ass dialect which is most similar to your own). Donklyish has the forgiving property of making everything you have said in it sound credible - even the most ludicrous of statements. As you can see, as I will be taking on some form of employment with a credible boss I no longer need the donkeys. They are available to a good home. Perhaps your company could employ them as managers? I think they would do a wonderful job and improve the company immensely.

Yours without any respect,

JW