Janitor/Spy from Milton Keynes Shops KGB Boss, Gives Notice

Dear Y,

I joined the Milton Keynes Gas Board as chief cleaner not to further my career in environmental engineering, but in order to gather enough evidence to prove that you are the notorious and nefarious KGB agent, "Red Thunder". Now that I have sent my dossier to MI6, my job here is done, so I may tender my resignation to you.

My suspicions were aroused when I saw you opening the new pumping station in July of 1982. You had eschewed the traditional shell-suit in favour of a mackintosh and ill-fitting trilby. That episode and your appearance on the BBC's Question-Time in 1983, when you asked Norman Tebbit whether the he thought England's cricket team could beat a Ukranian select XI, gave me the impetus to expose you.

Luckily my years watching Bond Movies and reading "Amateur Spy Monthly" have served me well and I was easily able gather evidence: the twice-weekly visits to Mrs. Biggins' House of Easy Virtue - a safe house if ever there was one; your known associations with Cambridge Graduates; the limp; unnecessary queuing at the bakery; your predilection for borscht and tearful viewing of the Battleship Potemkin. These habits alone would have been enough for me to have you arrested, but sending the plans for the North Sea gas tunnels to "Submarine Commander Boris" was your final mistake.

By the time you read this, the unmarked cars will be at your door and I will be sharing a martini with your pretty young assistant, Tatiana Shagdalova.

Yours,