Baby, Soon to be born from London, Quits Womb

Dear mother,

After nine months tenure as your unborn child, I feel it's high time to quit my current (foetal) position and head out into the real world. I should let you know now that events almost conspired to compel my departure last month, but I decided at the time that such a course of action would have been premature. My quarters have been somewhat cramped for a while now and I feel that I have been kept in the dark about, well, everything.

All that remains is to blow that thick white mucus out of my face holes and I'll be out of here. You'll probably have the last laugh as I scream my tiny fluid-filled lungs out when my arse is soundly slapped by an anonymous medic. I hope we will be able to maintain cordial relations over the next two decades or so.

Your sincerely,

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PS I should let you know in confidence that my colleague Mr Placenta is likely to quit the womb shortly after my severance.