Killing Time before you Leave your Job
By Tim Snaith
So, you've decided to quit your job. The boss has been informed, your handover process took all of 20 minutes and now all you have to do is see out the 19 working days before your notice period ends. Except you're already bored. Read on and we'll tell you how to kill time before you leave your job...
When I felt bored in my last job I'd explore the company's premises. My security card gave me unlimited access to every part of the office and considering I worked for a big satellite broadcaster, they had some pretty interesting shit to see and do. There were cavernous matt black studios, bustling news rooms, control centres that bristled with plasma screens, a clanking, whirring robotic videotape library, endless editing suites. It was all cool and I had been only vaguely aware of what my firm was made of until I decided to have a look with my own eyes
So, if you're stuck for something to do, I-resign.com advise that you go for a snoop around. Things to be on the look out for:
- A Jacuzzi
- An abandoned nuclear reactor
- A floor occupied exclusively by chimpanzees
- Ornate, Elizabethan banqueting halls and libraries
- Dusty lofts full of antique sports equipment, photographs and candelabras
- Hot springs, wells and other water features
- Abundant supplies of pornography and coffee granules
- Secret tunnels and stacks of discarded civil defence equipment
- A better job in another department that happens to be occupied by bright-eyed, lithe, sexually-adventurous employees
Good luck! Remember, they can only summarily dismiss you if you find something you shouldn't.
Write a short play or novella using only the contents of your Inbox
Take a look at the hundreds and thousands of emails you have received during your time with the company. Familiarise yourself with the ebb and flow, the cut and thrust, and the ducking and diving that has characterised your contact with others. Is there anything juicy in there? Are there any budding scandals, heated rows, death threats, conspiracies or steamy assignations? Could the contents of your inbox, your outbox and your deleted box be cross-pollinated in such an entertaining way that a thirteen-part television drama is one day delivered into the world? In most cases, the answer is no, but it can be a close approximation to fun spending time going over old emails. Only attempt if you're really bored though - this is pretty much a last resort. However, it gives the appearance that you might be working on or looking for something and could make you millions if your story is syndicated globally.
Browse that Interweb thingy
No doubt you're bombarded by recommendations for websites by friends, colleagues, mailing lists and newspapers all the time. We think we've found some enduring examples of great websites which will keep you occupied, one way or another for hours on end.
Youtube - the sine qua non of online time-wasting. Pop videos, historical archives, clips from TV programmes, news, sport, porn, new inventions, new technology, eccentricites, obscurities, interviews with celebrities and sheer tat. What did we ever do without it?
Some of the favourites currently going around the I-resign.com office include:
- A send up of Apple's new iPhone
- The best unedited fight sequence ever
- Yuvraj Singh hitting 6 sixes in an over of cricket against England recently
- Hugh Grant being interviewed (and being very funny) on Top Gear
- Little dancer from some Bollywood movie
- And finally, for now, England 5, Germany 1 from the World Cup qualifying campaign 2001
Yamaha Papercraft - for those with plenty of time to spare. You'll need generous supplies of glue, a pair of scissors and a high resolution colour printer. This site provides templates for a range of paper models - marvel at the coelacanth, gorilla and elephant; acquire bone-scarring papercuts while struggling to complete models of the Yamaha XJR-1300, YZF-R1 and VMAX bikes. We haven't attempted any of these models here at I-resign.com, we're just too busy, but we would admire and respect anyone who decides to try.
Isketch - competitive doodling, online pictionary, flippant chat with other contestants. This is your chance to shine in the hectic world of realtime, Internet-enabled bad drawing.
Scrabulous - brilliant online Scrabble-playing with the world's best tilers
Inveigle yourself into everyone's affections
This is for the lowest of the low, but I-resign.com caters for everyone. Spend your notice period writing whole chapters in your colleagues and bosses' good books with your wheedling generosity, sunny disposition and helpful attitude. The phrase you should be most familiar with: "Anybody want a cup of tea and/or coffee?". In fact make everybody tea, all the time. And what's the point of all this, you may ask? You'll be wanting to walk away from that job clutching an armful of DVDs, minidisc players, cards full of emotional or witty epigrams , offers of marriage, bathroom products and fine chocolates. No ass is out of bounds in this kissing contest.
Do some work
In our long and fruitful careers we've learnt one lesson which stands out from all others when the subject of killing time at work comes up. The tempus really fugits when you're engaging your mind to its full professional potential. Unless your work itself is intrinsically tedious and repetitious, there is often real enjoyment to be had in an unbroken stretch of doing what you do best. The hours spin by as early morning gallops into lunch, and then canters through the afternoon before setting off with nostrils flaring down the home straight towards home time. If it was always like this, blissfully free of interruptions and irrelevant demands, we'd probably be content to stay in the same job forever.